i have studied too much to know that believing in something need not necessarialy mean that you have faith in it… but today i am not here to debate the finer epistemological nuances of faith and beliefs… i am probably not the right person to do so, with my lack of philosophical ability.. but more importantly, i was never a very strong believer.. in anything.. was never really sure of whether i had faith in god, or destiny or hardwork or any of the usually accepted virtues or morals… but there was one thing i always believed in.. and over a period of years, i had no reason to disbelieve… i believed in the inherent goodness of people… i also believed that only good things happened to good people…
i always had faith that somewhere, given a chance, with some rationality, some logic, people would be able to explain the goodness of their actions… every action… i couldn’t, despite several warnings by the people around me… get myself to believe that people could be inherently evil, be driven to behave insanely, with an inherent lack of goodnes, purely motivated by things such as envy, deciet, revenge, struggle for identity, professional growth, thirst for money and power…
the past two years have been educative.. my faith stands shaken, and i am clinging on to the last straw… the hope is fading with each successive day… and i have a new sense of hopelessness that is unmatched by anything else.. life seems to be collapsing around me.. suffocating and meaningless… the only hope left is to believe that it is a passing phase and all will be well… and this is not faith… i need to believe this.. coz else, there is no reason to live… the word despair has a new meaning for me… life, on the other hand, seems to me to have lost meaning…